COMMENTS

143 responses to “Ask Joan: How to deal with a spouse who constantly wants sex”

1. I guess menopause did not give me the memo because I’m 64 years old and my husband and I have sex twice a day sometimes more

   Reply to Etta kase

   1. You’re very fortunate. Menopause hasn’t affected my libido but I’m lucky if I can squeeze 4x /month out of my husband.

      Reply to Mary

2. I feel for the woman who originally posted her story. NO woman should be FORCED to have sex!
   Mars & Venus. One or both don’t want to understand the other’s needs & feelings for a fulfilling marriage & loving relationship. I have the need to be emotionally & physically desired by my wife. I do my best to fulfill ALL my wife’s needs & @ 70-years of age, desire her emotionally, intimately & physically. If one doesn’t have a loving desire to please the other, there’s a void that needs to be filled

   Reply to Builder

3. My wife of 29 years has no desire for intimacy or sex. She thinks it’s wrong for me to masturbate. I’ve talked with her about this issue many times in the past 6 years. She says that’s the way it is. I don’t even try to discuss it anymore. What do think about masturbation

   Reply to Charles

   1. What’s wrong with it?

      Reply to 53Classic

4. And wives wonder why they get left for younger women? If they had their choice they would opt to have the husband castrated after they went through menopause…. You spend 25+ years with someone and they decide that the rules for intimacy are changing and husbands are just supposed to accept the fact sex is not part of the equation? Life is to short, get out of these relationships men, trust me the grass is greener, there is someone for everyone, stop wasting your breath it will not change!!!

   Reply to Men just leave, trust me

   1. Do you show her affection? Compliment her ? Pick her gifts out?

      Reply to Marie

   2. I agree! Men should leave, it would be better for both of you! If My needs (outside of bed) through 30+ years had been met I’d prob still have the desire but that left having nothing to do with menopause. I agree – men should leave if they aren’t happy (Before they run around behind their partners back!) women – be Happy!

      Reply to 53Classic

      1. Men, I would think at this point of being an adult it wouldn’t be a shock to find out that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. But here we go…So you think some younger thing that comes along isn’t going to be full of new problems and drama? Hello?! This is proof right there of men that think with their penis and nothing else. That younger woman is going to want to know what you bring to the table. Why should or would she pick YOU? I mean, you left your wife over sex. Shallow.

5. assault? Her constant denial should then be called mental abuse. Marriage is a partnership, business agreement, commitment, and trust. She is now saying to hell with your bodies desires and needs , mine are what matter, oh and don’t you dare try to fulfill them outside the marriage because it will cost you dearly. Most men in long term marriages like this have dedicated their lives to their family and now some women act as if some part of their bodies are Dead?

   Reply to He is not a predator

   1. They both should talk about it or seek therapy, hormonal therapy for her maybe and how to help her get in the mood for him if they want relationship to continue. Forcing someone to sex when they don’t want it is called abuse. Both of their feelings matter. There’s a lot more to life and relationship than sex.

      Reply to Primadonna

      1. It’s been said that sex accounts for approximately 20% of a totally satisfying , long term relationship. However, if that 20% isn’t happy and satisfying it will negatively affect the remaining 80% of the relationship.
         Sex should never be forced on anybody. Men or women with physical challenges can find numerous products to assist with these former barriers and make sex happy, enjoyable, comfortable and physically pleasurable again. If the woman insists on NO. The man gets a new sexual pal.

   2. If he forces sex on her, it’s rape. Even if he has sex with her when she had given “silent consent” there’s an element of abuse. People’s bodies and needs DO change. I think if her husband wasn’t such an ass and hadn’t showed who he was, they could work together and figure something out. I lost sexual desire a couple years after menopause, but also during an extremely difficult time in our relationship. I lost respect for my husband and it’s very difficult to “get it up” for him.

      Reply to Anna Renault

      1. This is my life. 29 years in, I’m not leaving. We have almost-grown kids and a lifestyle we built together. But I just want him to leave me alone. Many things have caused me to lose respect for him. AND he’s an inept clumsy lover, now full on into senior land complete with early bird specials and afternoon naps. I’m done. He basically wants a mother to cook and clean. Then he wants sex, no warmup or romance or desire to learn what might make me want to have sex with him. not interested.

6. I am happy to make this comment , my wife and I are now happily back together. I have to say it was effortlessly done! Within 48 hours, My wife left me a year ago.with my one kid The longer she’s gone, the more I see what a coward I was. At first, I blamed her for leaving. I told her she was ‘wrong’. In fact, I slapped Scripture on her, trying to guilt-induce her any way I could. My anger make me only to pushed her farther away. I can’t believe the way I acted. My wife gave me chance after chanc

   Reply to Hector Guillermo lopez

7. I feel like viagra has messed with the natural rhythm of sex as we age. If he didn’t have that option he wouldn’t be able to perform 4 times a week and we would be on a closer schedule. Would be nice if modern medicine could create libido in a pill for women so we could just turn on desire on demand. Until then maybe men should leave the viagra in the hands of their wife and satisfy their need to be wanted with some heavy cuddling.

   Reply to Eden Rules

   1. The debate here between the sexes appears to boil down to hormones. The majority of ladies say they lost libido after menopause. And in relationships that were previously highly sexual, the men then feel rejected and undesirable when their lady is unresponsive or outright does not want to participate. Sex is the difference between intimate partners and roommates. As this column is sex after 70, there must also be a significant portion of women who maintain interest without hormones. Help!

      Reply to Kevin Koster

   2. Viagra (and friends) is about helping men achieve an erection, nothing more. It doesn’t make men feel libidinous, it just makes it so that they can execute on it when they do feel that way. In other words, men can be horny and still not be able to get a hard-on. That’s the whole point of those medications. They’re not Ecstasy. They don’t make men horny. They just let them participate in the activity they want to have.

      Reply to Jour

   3. I totally agree! I’ve heard many women say that about their older male partners and viagra. Add in 24/7 porn that older men did not grow up with and you got a horny dude that only needs a pill to get it up, desire is already there. But there’s no pill for women and porn isn’t exactly women friendly,,even when you look for it. If I could talk to my husband honestly, tell him what I need, I’d want sex more, enjoy it, not resent him, and have a better sex life. But he won’t discuss sex at all.

      Reply to Anna Renault

8. Women’s hormones are usually gone in their 60’s and men’s hormones rage on. One woman said that when she turns her husband down, his sighs and upsetness, disturb her ability to sleep. I go through the same thing. One of the worst things is having sex when you don’t want to, when you want to sleep or if it hurts. Me and my guy used to have an active sex life. He takes it personally and feels that I am rejecting him. It is not that kind of rejection when you have lost interest because of hormones.

   Reply to Sharon

   1. Women’s hormones are gone in their 60s? I don’t think so. Maybe divorced women are different from women still married to the same guy for 30 years, but my single lady friends and I over 60 are like college kids. I crave sex daily. It’s the men who act old. We find women in their 60s are better off dating a few years younger with guys in their 50s who are still as randy as we are. A visit to a gyno could fix any libido or dryness issues a woman may have. No reason to let a marriage suffer.

      Reply to Jeanne

      1. Not entirely true….ive been to multiple gynos and had multiple tests run and my hormones are absolutely normal but my libido has disappeared. The doctors don’t know why because it’s not hormonal.

9. I need to know what all these “miserable men” in “sexless marriages” would do if they were in another country for 8 months at war, or single with zero girlfriends, or physically unable to sexually perform with another person due to injury or illness??? Our personal happiness *does not live* in someone else, or in others people’s actions/non-actions. It is narcissistic and bizarre to blame sex (requiring two people) for YOUR own unhappiness.

   Reply to Your Mom

   1. In war time throughout history what men did to woman in another country wasn’t always peaches and cream , this is what I herd there were times that a lot of men raped the wife’s of husbands that got killed and ran sac there house /village I’m sure you can imgine , not saying it was right or always happens but I’d put my money on it

      Reply to Marc

   2. Marriage or Commitment is a partnership, not (me or her), but (We, Us). 28 years married and we have more sex at year 28 than we did at year 3. Understand that men and women are different. Sex is what, 3-4 minutes out of a 24 hour day? Our understanding of each other’s wants and needs has bonded us more tightly today (strengthened) our marriage. Sex is physical but with our age it’s a bonding event, keeps stress low and we love each other more and more with each passing year.

      Reply to Paul D

      1. 3 to 4 mins out of 24 hours? Wow. I can’t imagine why a woman wouldn’t want to have sex with you. Women typically take at least 10 mins to become aroused and ready. I feel for your wife. Hope she finds a man who can actually satisfy her.

10. When one of the couple does constantly not want sex and the other constantly does, marriage is over.
    I think is better for the couple that the sexually high drive person seeks another bed partner, and continue with the show.
    Cheers

    Reply to gordon

    1. Yes, I agree 100%. The husband in a sexless marriage is now in a roommate situation and needs to divorce the now frigid wives and nove on

       Reply to David Dods

       1. I think a lot of these women would be happier not married from reading these comments. They are using age as an excuse for not wanting sex which is ridiculous and offensive. Older women are not sexless. That is such an offensive outdated untrue stereotype . Women who have discomfort after menopause, that is treatable. Sex is important to most older women in their 60s and 70s and probably older, so why stay with a woman who is just rejecting you. Both parties would be happier.

11. i have a wonderful woman, though sex through the years has been a tug of war with my gatekeeper of sex.
    maybe some equality i once said , you control the sex one week then l control it the next.
    i even said you can have 2 weeks of no sex to my one, guess what she said, yip lads ,no go.
    now you ladies here . let me make this clear making love to my woman gives me such great joy,to be inside of her and be one is absolutely fantastic for many of us men.
    i massage,chores,everything to please.

    Reply to mark

12. The degree of ignorance of the other gender in some of these comments is breath-taking. I won’t differentiate, but some of you people need to do some study on this. Related to this is the lack of good will, patience, LOVE, and grace.

    Reply to Charlie O.

    1. I’ve been in my relationship now for 11 months I’m 60 and he’s 65, we’ve had a very active sexual relationship and we fell in love and I’m now engaged. He started taking Viagra and yes we both have noticed a little bit of a difference but the problem is when he seems to want it all the time and my body is hurting I had my hip replaced years ago and a few other things I have to turn him down then he’ll say something to me like we haven’t even been together a year and you’re already rejecting me?

       Reply to PJ

       1. Wow. He sounds manipulative and petty. I’d suggest some serious talks about boundaries and sex before you get married. My husband takes it personally when I reject him.But I’m rejecting sex,
          not him. This is a big difference in attitude that men don’t understand. It’s not personal (usually) but in my case, my husband wants everything to stay the same and refuses to acknowledge my needs have changed. If he’d had an accident and sex became difficult for him, I wouldn’t force him or guilt him.

13. This is a very interesting subject. I think it goes even deeper than the original question the lady asked. The 35,000 foot view is really about individuality versus the “Covent” of marriage/relationship. The original concept of marriage where one is the breadwinner and one is the domestic keeper is out dated and flawed: not long ago women were possessions, an item to be owned. Haven’t we progressed beyond this? If sex is the most important aspect to you, then marriage is not for you.

    Reply to Hippy Dippy

    1. I agree with your last statement, if sex is the most important aspect….
       For me, however, I am the one turning down my husband’s advances. I feel horrible while I’m in action but on the other hand, I get nothing from my husband except degrading comments, such as; “can I stick my cock in your mouth.” He has no “moves” for turning me on. And yes, connecting the feelings of 2 emotions on opposite sides of the spectrum, can be very taxing on ones psyche and personality.

       Reply to Laurel

       1. I get the same treatment..it’s disgusting me. Never a hug or hand holding or embrace. I get groped every time I pass him all day. Constantly wanting “ marathon long sex” . I do it begrudgingly then he wants more. Ugh. We are in late 60’s I feel used like a sex object. Going on 20 years. Yes I try to talk about it..I get pouting and silent treatment. He’s pretty great otherwise as a husband. I am at a loss.

       2. Sex is important to me. It helps to validate that I am appreciated, respected for the man I try to be, and loved even after all of these years.
          My wife and I will go months sometimes without being physically intimate and then all of a sudden we have sex a few days in a row.
          She claims to love me and says lack of desire is not because of me but it doesn’t feel that way when I ask her if she would like to make love and she gets exasperated like I just asked her to something horrible. It hurts.

       3. Please divorce him and let him go. If you no longer have a sex drive … let him depart … divorce him … be nice

       4. Laurel! That is the same thing I deal with. He rubs on his cock, gets it hard and then asks “can I stick my cock inside of you?” or “look, my guys wants to play.” umm dear sir. the mere presence of your cock does not get me instantly going. No moves. Then I feel like the bad guy when I just look at it and then him and want to run away. It’s terrible. What happened to guys having moves?

       5. So many people commenting are missing, what I think is the most important part, he does nothing to try and set the mood. Mine is the same “feel like sucking my cock” or “how about a hand job” we goes months without a kiss or a cuddle and years without a “you look really nice tonight” but going a week without sex makes me frigid? A little effort would make a lot of difference but as I can see here, most would rather avoid the work and blame the wife and sooner leaver her than try to work at it

    2. I agree being a marriage and even a relationship sex is not the important aspect . It’s more to than sex love, compassion, communication and honesty is more important than just sex.

       Reply to Stephanie

14. ..tough – when I get turned down at almost every attempt, my body starts associating the feeling of being turned down with the arousal, and connects the two. I’m starting to feel stress just because I’m being aroused and I’m super scared to have erection issues, which, I think, starts to happen because of this neglect. I don’t want to cheat but I just don’t get good sex with a lusty partner at home. I feel this is unfair to me, I feel not wanted, and missing out as years are passing by fast.

    Reply to Good dude

15. Married 15 years, 2 kids, nice house, vacations & etc. No stress or long hours for my wife, we both take care of kids, house, chores. I do sleep 5 hours tops while she has 8+ as my job is demanding. Yet I always have the energy for sex while she goes months without it.

    Masturbation doesn’t fulfil my need to be wanted just as much as I want my partner. I’ve paid for sex and its not the same. Affairs give me the sex I want, but I love my wife and don’t want to ruin our marriage. Its tough…

    Reply to Good dude

    1. I feel so sorry for your wife.

       Reply to Unimpressed

       1. I also as well feel bad for the wife sad.

       2. I feel bad for your wife, sad. You should divorce her and fine someone else . You are using her as a domestic caregiver and your work outside the relationship giving The best of you to others

    2. Good dude: Just a question for you: did your wife ever have orgasms? Yes? Are you sure? The percentage of women who do NOT have orgasms from intercourse is absolutely astounding! I have been married twice. I have NEVER had an orgasm from intercourse. Never. So if he doesn’t feel like giving me oral, and the fingering he gives me doesn’t feel good, and he’s offended if I play with myself, then what? That doesn’t exactly make me want to have sex. Yeah, he gave me oral years ago…

       Reply to Joanne

       1. Very good point…. In general men want it but don’t want to “work “ for it. Or understand what turns on a woman.

       2. I have been married almost 50 years and the comments reflect the universal man/woman relationship conflict. Women want to be treated well, listened to, respected and not treated like an object. Menopause changes everything for women. If sex is so important a man is willing to give up his life to find as new bed partner- welll that is pitiful . I think they have a name for that – mid-life crisis! You are supposed to buy a reed corvette and look like a fool.

    3. I feel sorry for your wife also.

       Reply to Gin

    4. If you’re having extra marital affairs, with sex workers even, you definitely do not love your wife. Your need for p in v has greatly outweighed any respect for your wife, and has put her health in danger on top of that by actively having sex with sex workers while still attempting to be physical with your wife at home. That’s digusting. Do her a favor and come clean, have yourself tested and tell her to get tested, and cut the marriage short because at this rate – there’s nothing worth saving.

       Reply to SkittyGal

    5. I wish I had your willingness to forget my vows and be unfaithful to my wife to find the exciting and fulfilling sex I crave so desperately.

       I love her so much and it breaks my heart to not be desired, wanted, or see the excitment in her eyes like I use to when we had sex.

       I had a friend pass away recently, and I feel like he got lucky, he no longer has to deal with the pain of rejection or a wife just having horrible duty sex to try and keep her husband happy.

       Reply to Evan

16. Wait, I have a question. Let’s say my husband is not interested in sex and I wanted an orgasm, what is the difference if I take care of it myself so I can give him a break???

    If sex is a allows a release (orgasm), then why not just masturbate when one’s spouse is not interested? Whether a man masturbates using his wife’s ‘V’ or using his own capable hands, it results in the same outcome – an orgasm.

    So why the fuss? Please explain.

    Reply to Rachel

    1. The question I’ve been waiting for. Thank you.

       Reply to Miss Match

    2. Because it’s more than just an orgasm. A man wants to be desired or connected to a woman. However, if he’s emotionally hungry enough, he will take the scraps of fake want from a prostitute. That’s what 99% of women will never understand. Intimimate for a man is god damned need Wish it wasn’t, but wishing isn’t ever going to change that.

       Reply to Gab

       1. Ok! That’s clear!!

          Yet!

          Why can’t men understand that sticking your dick in your wife without any foreplay nor prelude (sexless romance) is needed for her to OPEN up?!?

          How many men complain they have not enough sex AND those men also expect their woman to get along with: ‘grope and penetrate’!!!????

          Before complaining she never wants sex maybe try to understand WHY!!!

          Doing the same over and over again is called insanity!! Stop groping her and work for it: romance her!!!

       2. I feel desired and connected to my wife without having to have sex with her. Men who need sex for validation have insecurity issues.

    3. Ok go ahead do it but when you keep turning him down constantly what you expect? He’ll go outside and find it so you and all the others that think this way continue on cause one day you’ll have the toys to play with and he will have someone better then you

       Reply to Robert

17. OMG these men saying “dump her/move on”…. What about commitment, family, the life you build over the many years….”just because of sex!?” Really? Have we evolved into Neanderthals?

    Reply to Maria

    1. I am going through the same situation after being married for almost 30 years now. I think there is more to it or there is at least on my end. If he wouldn’t treat me so badly I might actually still deeply love him but I’m afraid he’s ruined some of that. Laid off in July makes things so so much worse.

       Reply to Gin

18. My husband 62 married 37 years wants something sexual everyday. He gets upset with me when I’m not interested. So I comply because he wants it and I don’t want to deal with the mood of not giving in. I have gotten good pretending I enjoy it I love my husband and we have an amazing relationship outside of sex. But why is it such a need for him I don’t understand and I wish I did. I think he associates love with sex. If I don’t give him sex then I don’t love him

    Reply to Bobbie

    1. my guy thinks the same way and I give in just so I don’t have to put up with sulking and pouting

       Reply to steph

       1. I have been married for 17 years and 8 years ago I had a hysterectomy because of medical conditions. That’s when I lost my sex drive. So for 8 years I started a rollercoaster ride that I’m afraid will never stop. For starters, there’s more to a marriage than just sex. For me, I need a deeper connection then deeply connecting through sex. I need that emotional, spiritual, and non-judgmental connection with whom I am to spend the rest of my life with.

       2. Ugh! I do the same thing (give in), but it leaves me feeling so angry bc I feel coerced and manipulated by the sulking and pouting. Honestly, if he didn’t sulk or pout if I said no, I would be much more responsive to his needs. I almost feel like I don’t have a choice, that he will make me pay emotionally if I say no.

    2. That has nothing to do with it !! Been married 41yrs I put up with no sex for over 12yrs tell that ain’t love !!! I’m tired of this garbage you ladies spew !! Sex is love oh wait when you were in your teens and 20s I bet your body count is huge rite of but now we are the bad guys !!! Grow up

       Reply to Robert

19. My husband of 28 years wants sex everyday other will look elsewhere. He is in his prime and I have multiple health issues. Menopause, HBP(medication), no libido, hysterectomy, and a bulging disk. I totally understand how the woman feels. It’s tough when u love someone so much that u can’t leave them no matter how he is mistreating u. It’s rape when she says no even in marriage. Men can please themselves as much as a woman can. I wish men could understand what us women are going thru. GOD BLESS.

    Reply to Sandra Troskowski

    1. So you’re holding him hostage. You just admitted you have no desire for him, but wants all the other benefits of a relationship. You want the fluffy, non-intimate company and cuddle time, and then his money, and energy. What does he want from you? Appreciation, empathy and yes….sex. I’m 100% certain he shows the other 2 but you’ve grown used to it. It’s selfish and the only premise to justify your abuse to him is religious. It’s sad

       Reply to Bob Long

       1. Holding her husband hostage? Oh my word!!! Even if her husband is a good provider does not constitute being used as a F.@8K toy. I do believe you don’t know there is 99 ways to demonstrate intimacy besides the WHAM BAM Thank you Ma’am. Cuddling and snuggling, holding hands,hugs, wet kisses, touching, suckling and fondling meet the category of intimacy without sex. I can not understand who would want a man that thinks SEX is love. Sex “can” be an expression of love. Open communication is best.

       2. It appears that the women here don’t understand their men. First off, men have needs, as well as women. It sounds like there was no problem till menopause. Then its, “it was nice knowing you “ he didn’t sign up for this. I’m starting to go through this now, except I actually respect my wife, she’s my best friend, and my love is unconditional. Let me make something very clear, MASTERBATING isn’t the same! Cumming, and orgasm, 2DIF THINGS! I don’t feel love and intimacy from my fist! Just sayin

       3. The thought of walking into the kitchen to start dinner and having my husband spring around the corner and pounce on me naked is really disturbing. Just reading her post is triggering. I’m sorry OP, I hope you can find your way out of this situation. His behavior is gross.

       4. Thank you !!;and then they wonder why we go outside the marriage . There always complaining turning the story to fit there narrative focused on one thing to fit there complaint makes me sick. I love my wife I don’t ask for sex everyday maybe once a week since we’re both older and I always satisfy her before she does for me . I’m constantly telling her I love her ,holding hands ,kiss her everyday, complement her . Sexless marriage now so I get it elsewhere now

    2. You women here are DELUSIONAL!! Men do NOT think like you do. Here are your options. Have sex or get cheated on. It’s as simple as that. You can complain, talk about it’s not fair, etc.,. You took the job and those are the responsibilities of the position. The job will get done no matter if you do it or not.

       Reply to Get It Together

       1. Aww, did the AI bot not like the responses it was hearing? If men don’t think like women do – “have sex or get cheated on” – why do they ever get married? So much cheaper, easier, clearer to have a non-marital-bound relationship.

          So – if men are only about the sex, they’re going through an awful lot of heartache to become married.

          And if they’re NOT only about the sex – then your whole premise falls apart.

          Try again, fake person.

20. No! He has to flee from her. He has to masturbate – really!!?!!?

    Reply to David

    1. I personally love having sex with my husband,I’m 56 and he is 60,I’ve always enjoyed it and still do(even after menopause)….it’s an important part of my life with him and we both agreed it always would be,he’s very affectionate and loving if we don’t but it’s something that we don’t neglect.
       We find it very relaxing after a stressful work day,I’ve never equated sex as
       a chore,it should be fun and exciting.That’s my view on it.

       Reply to Beaner

       1. EVERY DAY?

       2. You must have a good man. At least it seems he does what he “signed up” for when marrying a women. We knew that sex would be the topic, when marrying our one true love. We understand men. Men don’t understand women, except in your marriage. My husband of 17 years, still cannot perform any tasks he “signed up” for, in order to get me to perform my wifely duties. I’m happy for the both of you. Any tips?

       3. Beaner, that’s awesome. I am happy for you and your husband and a bit jealous too. Thirteen years ago the combination of hysterectomy, menopause, Zoloft and most recently a cpap machine, have completely grounded my wife’s libido. She plainly said one day “I’m sorry we haven’t had sex lately but I really don’t care if I ever have sex again.” I haven’t initiated or made any suggestion of having sex since that conversation.

       4. Your husband is very lucky, we hope he realizes this.

21. I found this very upsetting to read.I find that man’s actions unconscionable. Does he realize that rape is a felony?! Yes,that includes marital rape. I think she needs to ask him to leave and get therapy/other support for herself so she can raise her self-esteem enough to be able to make her own choices,including being treated with respect and consideration. He also needs therapy,badly,so he won’t inflict his selfish behavior on another woman. She could press charges. #listentowomenforachange

    Reply to Feminista

    1. Holy crap!!! I am glad that you will never be my wife. What he is doing is wrong but what she is doing is also wrong. If she doesn’t want sex anymore thus breaking her vows then the marriage is over and he should just move on.

       Reply to David

       1. They had good sex life he was generous and aimed to please until she didn’t want it anymore. If you leave it up to her she won’t do it. If for 10 years you don’t want it and if he just does it, then you created the new standard. Don’t expect any affection. Who wants to hold the hand of someone who rejects you sexually? There are times I am tired, or have no desire but my husband does, and as his wife I take care of his needs end result? we both enjoy it. What is wrong with women today?

       2. David, you think SHE is the one breaking her vows by not wanting sex anymore? Really? Do you not realize that he is FORCING sex on her? What is that called? It’s called rape. Isn’t that going against something even more basic than marriage vows? You have no idea what she has and is now going through. I’ve been there; I know exactly how she feels.

       3. In sickness and in health.

       4. So glad that I’m not your wife. My husband is also so glad you’re not my husband either. Marriage vows have nothing to do with sex. If that’s the case then what if one partner is incapacitated? Does that mean she or he is braking their vows? Vows have to do with commitment and loyalty to one another. And absolutely zero to do with physical intimacy and sex.

       5. Where in the marriage vows does it state that either partner agrees to be a non negotiable s*x toy? You have a very backward view of life and relationships. I bet you aren’t even married or in a relationship- that horrible attitude is a dead giveaway.

       6. Having sex is not a legal committment. Not committing rape is a legal requirement. Maybe try to think before you post.

    2. Wow!! you are scary!

       Reply to David Dods

22. my experience is that when i said i do and mutually said the same, that we agreed to an agreement of mutual consent forever while married. physically men need sex and a normal women would too. i believe it is our responsibility to each other to provide for each others needs. if a person in an agreement doesn’t fulfill their obligation, they jointly agree to seperate if possible.

    Reply to paul

    1. “paul”, I politely disagree with you. You said,”when i said i do and mutually said the same, that we agreed to an agreement of mutual consent forever while married.” No, I don’t believe that getting married means CONTINUOUS MUTUAL CONSENT. Do you seriously mean that your wife must always have sex with you whenever you want? Really? What about her needs, wants, and desires? Does that not matter? Apparently, it doesn’t matter to you. You only care about what you want.

       Reply to Anne

       1. Paul was stating a Biblical view – you obviously do not agree

       2. dear rachel ,i love my wife dearly,but the gatekeeper of love/sex rejected me so often its not funny, i do all sorts of things to satisfy her,in and out of the bedroom.
          making love to my wife is the best thing in the world,us men love the intimacy and the feeling of being one for a moment in time.
          masterbation never cuts it for most married men,sorry but that’s a fact,its only a temporary measure.
          we genuinely seek the love and intimacy that was there at the beginning.
          hugs and kisses rachel.

    2. Yes, I agree! They should not even get married if sex is that important to them since it is estimated either spouse will lose interest at some point. I would say over 70% of persons should stay unmarried and celibate – that is how high the decreased interest in sex is. I have tried to convince all the females in my family to stay single and celibate. It is a lost cause for most females. It you want kids adopt, skip marriage and the required sex vow.

       Reply to Rachel

       1. cheating ?you’ll only hate yourself,like me.
          lets say she’s been the gatekeeper of love/sex for the past 10 years, ask her how she would feel if we balanced this with yourself being the gatekeeper for the next 10.
          the lack of perspective for a mans needs seems to be superseeded by what looks and feels like narcissism to me.
          so ladies if you cant work with us, some of us will go elsewhere, is that what you really want is what you should ask yourself.
          love us for goodness sake,like we love you.

       2. That is called being frigid

    3. Hi Paul,

       Whether I agree with you or not, I find your argument to be logically compelling. I’m sorry for the ridiculous people who commented on your post. I’m not condoning or condemning your point of view. I just wanted to thank you for being relatively objective on the subject.

       Reply to AeRose

23. how about since he has a high sex drive & she has none he should be able to find lady with a high sex drive to have sex with whenever he desires and then come home with a smile on his face,,, problem solved,,,hmm didn’t hear JOAN suggest this remedy, i guess it’s her woman’s point of view

    Reply to dan

    1. Dan, There’s a way of speaking to this idea in a less brash way.

       Reply to Ana M

       1. brash ways????
          what he should just be celibate the rest of his life??

          what is your remedy?

       2. Having a Third may be good, just understand the boundaries and rules,

    2. Respectfully, Dan, don’t be so quick to mansplain my “woman’s point of view.” Read my column regularly (https://seniorplanet.org/author/joan-price/) and you’ll see that I do suggest opening up a relationship or giving a “hall pass” when one partner no longer wants sex, the other does, and they can’t reach a compromise. In this case, however, the person who wrote me is struggling with sexual assault from her husband. Giving suggestions for appeasing her husband would be inappropriate.

       Reply to Joan Price

       1. And for all anyone knows, he’s probably already getting some on the side. I really don’t think men care how their domestic prostitute feels about sex. It’s part of the deal she signed up for, so no reneging.

       2. I would be totally fine with this.

    3. Stop with your commonsense!

       Reply to David

    4. Sexual needs can only be met by your spouse. He isn’t allowed to go anyplace else to have this need met so it’s up to you to meet it. If you can’t meet the need you must go elsewhere. Yes, you should get a divorce before going elsewhere though.

       Reply to Andrea

       1. Andrea ,
          You are the only one on here to have any
          common sense. I would definitely vote
          for you.

    5. Why do men need a woman for sex if the orgasm is all they want and can do by themselves? I don’t understand the difference. I like my daily orgasms and don’t need a man to do that. Problem solved. I’m happy, no complaints.

       Reply to Rachel

    6. If you have the higher sex drive, and she doesn’t. She should give you the sex you want. Because ultimately, it makes no difference to her whether she gets more sex or not. But it makes all the difference to you. If you let her emotions dominate the relationship, she will neglect your needs forever. And you’ll miss out on all the richness sex provides. Take charge and tell her you’re going to make love to her whenever you feel. And if she declines, tell her you can’t keep living like this.

       Reply to Pat

    7. I think that’s a wonderful idea, I have suggested to my husband many times, since I no longer have interest in sex ( do to age and health ) that he find a sex Buddy to go at it with, that would make me so incredibly happy, and his whining will stop

       Reply to Sherry Nash

       1. That sounds like a win, win. The doubt and question that every man will have in a situation like this is if you really mean it, or if it will destroy the marriage due to wife hiddent resentment.

24. I went through something similar. My husband started using testosterone per his doctor. One effect was that he wanted sex 3,4, or 5 times a week. He would NOT masturbate all by himself. He would only do it while rubbing and fondling me, even if I was completely uninterested in sex. I was very overweight at the time,, and going through a phase of menopause where I was not interested in sex. Usually he would fondle me, then pester me to have sex until I gave in, to “get it over with”,like her.

    Reply to Anne

    1. -continued- That was several years ago. My husband changed doctors and is no longer using testosterone. His libido has decreased significantly while mine has increased, partly because of menopause changes and partly because I lost weight and have been exercising (which he has completely stopped doing). I am 66 and he is 68. I would not consider our relationship to be very good. Things he has done over the years (like the unwanted sex) have affected me, and I’m just kind of hanging on…

       Reply to Anne

       1. I hear you. I am in the same boat now. I know he takes some sort of steroid and or testosterone. He orders this off the internet. Confused and don’t want to give up my house so that is why I am still here. I was laid off in July and this has made everything much harder.

          I would leave if I could because now he is just plain mean to me.

    2. I am a divorced 61 year old male and am absolutely terrified to find my self in a sexless marriage – I would much rather remain single. According to female Dr stats 82.5% of post menopausal women have a drastic decrease in their libido … so strive to find the rare loving women.

       Reply to David Dods

       1. There’s a difference between loving and being willing to have sex whenever your partner wants it. Some men don’t shower, try to be attractive, or treat women well, then can’t understand why there’s no interest in sex.
          I believe sex is healthy and essential in a marriage (absent significant problems or agreement on both sides)
          I think it’s ok to have sex when you don’t much feel like it sometimes as a way of showing love and care for your partner. As long as it’s given and reciprocated in love.

       2. Your comment can be taken one two ways, either you expect the “rare loving woman” to be able to or, want have sex when you desire it, OR, you appreciate the rare loving woman as she is, lack of libido and all.
          As the husband of a woman with health issues causing her libido to be almost non-existent, it may be frustrating for me, but I can tell you personally that even though she is rarely able to have sex, let alone enjoy it, she is the most loving, amazing, caring woman I have ever known.

       3. In SICKNESS and in health. A lot of older, chronically ill people, of both genders, are no longer ABLE to have sex. I am 66. Do all of the women a favor and remain single if sex means that much to you.

    3. How/what does a husband feel while he’s having sex to someone that doesn’t want him ? All he cares about is self gratification. I’d want my spouse to actually want to. share in this special moment with me and want to be with me not because I forced, demanded or coerced them into it. sex and making love are two different things

       Reply to Ja

       1. My husband stated that when he was younger he clould have every day two and three times , now no romance , no help with House work, no flower ás a gift. After I work like a mule. He say come to bed I have taken Viagra I respond by asking him , did I send you to take Viagra go get into a shower.just llleave me alone I have no desire..then commucation stop for one week somtime, I was a fül time Nurse. Át home generál work cook. Clean er laundres then each month I have to Give him $500 USA

       2. if she doesnt want him, then leave,just saying.
          ave been jumping through hoops for 40 years with my gatekeeper of love/ sex,then i suggested the equality card,she controls one week ,me the next,no go.
          its not a transaction i get it, but i love my wonderful wife ,doing it on the side was an awful experience because it wasn’t my wife,to be one with her is the best feeling in the world to me the intimacy is just fantastic, we men need that.
          i deeply regret going behind her back.

25. Have there been other changes in his behavior? If so, a good physical and mental checkup may pinpoint problems causing an inability to consider his wife and her needs as well as to control his actions. I mention this because a close friend went through something similar before being diagnosed with dementia, for which diabetes is a risk factor, and the earlier it is discovered, the better quality of life he will have.

    Reply to Wendy

    1. So, the fact that his sex drive is still good and the wife no longer wants that he must have a problem – unbelievable. If a women partner doesn’t want sex then dump her

       Reply to David

       1. So, to you, women have no value beyond sex. I’m here to tell you that women are not objects. I can only hope that reincarnation is real and you come back as a woman in your next life. You need to understand that hormones rule our bodies and when we reach the age that menopause occurs, many women lose their desire to have sex and also the feeling in nerves in their genitals. Doctors have found no solution to this. I know because I’ve tried everything out there.

    2. Yes. Because he still has a good sex drive and she doesn’t then then problem lies with him!! Unbelievable! If she no longer wants sex then it is not a marriage and he should dump her and move on

       Reply to David Dods

       1. I am incredulous at your comment. Do you have ANY understanding of why she may not want sex?
          Let me give you a reason: In the 24 years that my husband and I have been married, not once have I had an orgasm by intercourse alone. Yes, he occasionally would perform oral sex, and it was pretty good, when he did it. But he never tried any ways to help me find some position or some thing that he could so I could orgasm during sex. Would that make YOU want to keep having sex?

       2. How about a husband whose sex drive is so high he needs sex a min 1 but preferably 2 plus a week and if he doesn’t get it acts like a child throwing a temper tantrum. Huffing and puffin and sighing loudly to express his unhappiness and intentionally ruining my night? I make a point to have sex with him once a week bc we are both busy with work and life and tired .,. Even if it’s once every two weeks on super busy weeks i think that should be ok but I feel so forced to keep up w once a week min

       3. @ Christina – Yes I get this too. They act like a spoilt child but refuses to masterbate. My hubby is 52yrs old and its getting worse. For me its a minimum every 3days and if I dont give it up the tantrums begin.

          We get it, you men want sex but my god help us out and masterbate a few times a week!!!! When a woman isnt in the mood its actually quite painful for some.

       4. I’m laughing reading you men. I’m chiming in to tell you after menopause a lot of women develop vaginal atrophy. The pain with penetration is excruciating and absolutely out of the question. It is devastating to the woman. Loss of libido wasn’t a big deal to me but the PAIN? What horrible things would you say to her then? Dump her? I’m trying hrt therapy hoping that will help but my god if it doesn’t my husband will throw me away like a broken tool? Grow up and my you lose your erection

26. I am almost 72 and still have the sex drive of a 20 year old. How fortunate this woman is to have her husband have this interest in sex! I have been turned down from my husband at many stages of my life for intimacy and so I divorced and sought out those with similar interests.

    Reply to Blaze

    1. Thanks Blaze. You restore my hope that there are sensible women out there.

       I couldn’t reply to Anne’s comment to David unfortunately.

       She was angry because her husband had never given her pleasure in bed after 24 years.

       Instead of looking inwards and asking herself why she put up with this after a year, let alone 24, she just comes here to bash all men for perfectly natural desires.

       So much for feminism and female agency…24 yrs of saying nothing!

       Reply to Marblechops

       1. My husband knew exactly how I felt during those years. I told him over and over. I kept trying to make things work. He said he loved me. Do YOU have any idea how many women actually orgasm from intercourse???? Less than 35%. When I tried to get him to touch me differently, he he would sigh and pout, and not do as I asked. Might as well stop that and instead help him have an orgasm. If you didn’t notice, MANY women on here are in the same boat.

27. Ah Joan ! How did this relationship go so sour and turn ‘ He was a good lover, generous in making me happy ‘ into an SOB. Surly, they can somehow resolve the huge gap of sexual needs by coming to some sort of accommodation. Under no circumstances should he force himself on her. What pleasure can there be for either of them when that happens ?
    Make a date for a mutually agreed upon loving session, In the interim, for him…give him a Hot Octopus Duo for self pleasure. Hopefully this will satisy

    Reply to Dave 83

    1. No what he is doing is 100% wrong – he should just leave her

       Reply to David

       1. My husband of 30years, has now cut me off from the finances, does not speak to me much, tells me nothing is my business anymore, because I got sick and and went through menopause, kidney failure, Crohns, and it’s to painful to have sex anymore, he would like me to move out? I am no longer able to satisfy his needs, I’m crushed.

28. I took time and work to write a comment and I thouight I saw it under “Reviewing the comment” then I donn’t see it anymore. MAY I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO IT PLEASE? Or, I shall never comment anymore. :( Thanx. Rose

    Reply to Rose

    1. sorry for the mishap, Rose, maybe it got caught and dropped while processing. It happens sometimes Please try again.

       Reply to Senior Planet

29. Joan Price is a winner! She’s right on all of her advices which I rarely miss. :)

    TALK if you love him! Don’t hold grudges which cause relationships to deteriorate! After one of his “ambushes” …sit comfortably with him over his favorite meal or desert or drink and…talk away relaxedly, opening up to what you need him to do, so you can satisfy HIM, and make YOU happy too. You omittd your age but…the 60s is the 40s now. Professional counseling will help if your talk won’t. :o)

    Reply to Rosa

30. What a sad state of a marriage. Where is the tender playfulness? The sexual assault has to stop. He should be encouraged to self pleasure (masturbate)
    without guilt to take the pressure off his horniness.
    Maybe, without the expectation of “sex” (whatever form that means) they could just cuddle once in a while to build closeness. They need to talk about fond memories and hopes for the future. And talk about what touch feels good to each of them.

    Reply to John

31. To Joan Price,
    Once again, your answer to the ‘Instant Sex’ dilemma is “bulls-eye”, in addressing the issues, in my opinion.
    The metaphorical icing on the cake is your suggestion to have the wife to show her husband that column.
    As for her question “are most men this age this way”, one answer is that many of us men, married or not, do have high sex drives. The historic (groundbreaking) Kinsey study shed light on a lot of related “issues”.
    It’s battery (unwanted touching) w “assault” also !

    Reply to Paul J. Gammarano, Sr.; M.A., JD & former Health Educator; 2022 Senior Planet Athlete

    1. Why can’t men just masturbate? Females do this all the time and it is perfectly satisfying if not a whole heck of a lot better orgasm – JACKPOT!!!
       I don’t get it. Please explain that, why do men need to be with a female when they can experience an orgasm on their own just as easily as a female does?

       Reply to Rachel

       1. Several men on this thread have explained this already. They don’t want just an orgasm; they want physical intimacy with a partner, and an orgasm alone won’t cut it. They want to be held, touched, kissed, and the oneness that comes from sex with a partner. Some people are ok with just an orgasm but others are not. Many women have a better orgasm from masturbation, and without penetration that can hurt after a certain age. Others want the intimacy that only comes from sex with a loving partner.

       2. “they want physical intimacy with a partner, and an orgasm alone won’t cut it. They want to be held,touched,kissed, and the oneness that comes from sex with a partner. ”
          Then they would care whether their partner is truly a partner or just a blow-up doll. They would stop expecting sex as their due, and respect their partner by not treating them like a housekeeper. It amazes me how many men say they want intimacy, then avoid doing the work to achieve it. Intimacy is not defined as SEX only.

32. oy vey

    whether I was 15 or 70+

    it has always had to be mutual

    what a schlub

    and yes I think my 70 year old body could be in the same desire / ability absolute love and endurance category as my 15year old self

    but neither my 15 year old or my 70 year old would be playing hot and heavy without a female of comparable attitudes, emotions, or interests

    Reply to Ed Berwick