That’s a two way street sir. We experience many painful things menstrual debilitating menstrual cramps, endometriosis,! Labor pains , that men couldn’t possibly handle! Men deal with none of this! Then we age, become dry , having sex feels like we’re being ripped apart! We use resort to lubricants which helps a little but not enough. . Men have that little magic blue pill, women don’t. Men quit whining! There’s absolutely no comparison to what we go through!

In my mid 40s my wife said that I had a unless Gentle (thats what she called my penis) … I could not take the embarrassing put down and moved to the spare room and divorced. ED happens to many men as they age … women do not have those issues so have no problems with being cruel. You want him to help you with your medical issues but you have no sympathy for hi ED issues. Sad but unfort not surprised.

I agree that many of the opinions are polarizing and some of them from personal bias and beliefs about porn. However, while you’re correct in saying that erotic stimulus and sexual pleasure occur in the brain, that can be the problem for those using online porn. It is easily accessible and over time can create such a strong connection to the feelings of sexual arousal and pleasure that real life situations can’t compete. This is a VERY complex situation – hopefully they will seek counselling.

I don’t blame the wife for being angry! As for Joan, your advice is ridiculous, placing the fault of this issue on the wife! Are you a Psychologist, Counselor, … Do you even hold a degree in this area? This is just wrong, on so many levels.

Thank you. The loneliness and failure of thinking I was the one causing him to use porn for his sexual pleasure while totally leaving my needs by the side. I was not unable to enjoy his attention, intimacy, love and closeness during my illnesses, he’s my husband, suppose to be there for me! during his illnesses I was there for him, NEVER turned to porn or self pleasure! Pneumonia, covid and a 4 month recovery of broken leg and ankle. Wife, was there. Thanks for your words, they helped.

Please reconsider the response. Use of porn may be common in our society, but it is not a normal or beneficial pasttime. Porn degrades and exploits the women, men, and children used in the making of the porn. It desensitizes users, often leading to increased usage, infidelities, and crime. Perhaps it would be helpful for the couple impacted by porn use to attend SAA and/or SANON meetings.

Thank you Jennifer, for being real.
The truth is, it is an addiction and the porn user will always find a way to justify it. The selfishness of the addicted brain knows no bounds. It is hard for me to understand their denial. I’m told they feel shame and know the extent of the pain it causes but continue to downplay the “events”. There can be no compromising when it comes to the use of porn. Moderation is not realistic. It’s use is a deal breaker, no different than infidelity.

Dear Frustrated,
You are not alone. You are also absolutely justified in being angry about the deceit. I agree with you they hide it because they know it is WRONG. It is infidelity. Porn creates a relationship. The brain damage it causes hooks them like a drug. I’ve done so much research to try and understand and forgive. The trust may be gone forever, but for ourselves, we stand our ground. I agree that in our monogamous marriage no 3rd party relationships are allowed. Real or Fantasy.

Joan,
Porn replaced me. His, not her behavior needs addressing. Sexual intimacy was monogamous. If you would educate yourself about porn use and the actual changes it creates in the brain you may think twice about defending it’s use. The damage to the prefrontal cortex enables a self perpetuating demand. Reality distortion guaranteed. Just a Google? JAMA Psychiatry 2014 Simone Kuhn PhD,, Porn use creates a secret relationship with it’s user. It hooks by changing, rewarding their fantasy.

Frustrated, you’re right about the timeline, and I apologize for not separating the first 2-1/2 yrs from current time. When a spouse becomes caregiver, it’s usually hard to see the loved one as a sexual partner. I suspect this was the reason that he wasn’t sexual with you those first years. I didn’t put enough emphasis on this, and I’m sorry. I can’t know what was in his mind, but if you can ask him about that time without accusations, I hope he’ll open up to you. I truly regret upsetting you.

I understand and sympathize with you . . . the range of Porn available to men and the deeper and darker side of Porn was not issued by Joan ! ! ! And like any addiction . . . . it needs to be fed more and more. My husband started easy going, and I accepted and was a compliant partner . . but a year later my husbands fantasies moved to more challenging and darker websites . . . my Therapist gave me the support to see that I was becoming an abused woman . . . dark side of addiction ! ! !