COMMENTS

26 responses to “How To Handle Porn in a Relationship”

1. My situation is related but different….my partner uses gay chat rooms, sends graphic photos of himself and engages with strangers online. I believe this is infidelity; he doesn’t.

   Reply to Randy

2. There is such a wide variety of sex films that can be labeled as porn.
   My husband and I watch some more current sex videos. Sometimes we watch some old VHS films he has from the ’60s and 70s. None of these movies involve violence or choking. Useful for setting a sexual mood for us. I find some of the older porn funny. We are not concerned with looking like the actors. We are monogamous. I don’t worry he is going to break our agreement over a fantasy.

   Reply to Amber

3. Isn’t watching porn or sexy movies like Black Sails just a way for a guy to do a body check…his penis can still fire.
   I heard Dan Pink on tv. He said Women regret some of the men they slept with. Men regret not sleeping with some women they could have.
   I heard Charles Kuralt interview a 93 esteemed man and ask him about his regrets. Number one was just what Dan Pink said.

   Reply to Jane Coombs

4. I notice that no-one here brings up the ethical debate about porn in that porn perpetuates a patriarchal view of sex. Women serve men and their wants and needs. It’s great to show sex that is consensual and women are also sharing as much of the pleasure as men, and have been consulted on that process. I know there are ethical sites for porn but they are still the minority. Also what about how much are the participants paid? And how that works? That’s still relevant to older people.

   Reply to Rose Rouse

5. I watch porn by Erika Lust once every three months or so, periodicaly, more when I am alone or waiting for my wife to return from jobb. It is also a way of keeping sexual desire a live like masturbating once a week. It heats me up. We have watched porn together. If the woman want to have a sexually functioning man let him watch porn as part of his privasy and also time for being himself. Porn is also fantasy and education. Its arousal that I need more of when I get elder.

   Reply to Thomas Stalin

6. My wife and I have kids over 50, and on our first movie date – back in the stone age

   she chose the movie

   Flesh Gordon

   porn is not just a guy thing

   Reply to Ed Berwick

7. I think that there’s a problem worth noting with an article where all examples are about how men like porn and women just don’t understand. Do we have to have a conception of women as people who don’t masturbate and don’t look for stimulation to do so? You’re kind of endorsing the idea of women as nice, “virtuous” according to the concept that virtue = Only Ever Becoming Sexual With Their Husband — somewhat more like good children than like adult humans with assorted kinds of needs.

   Reply to Grownup Lady

   1. Grownup Lady, as I wrote, “Yes, many women enjoy porn, too, but they don’t write to me about porn being a conflict in their relationships.” My job here is to answer the questions sent to me, and as I said, these are the questions I get from our senior readers. (To see the range of my celebration of women masturbating, see any of the 100+ vibrator reviews at https://joanprice.com/blog !)

      Reply to Joan Price

8. Why is porn use blamed within the context of a relationship? Since porn is used primarily by men, then women have some culpability, according to Dr Ley: “it’s always a symptom of something else going on with one of the people in the marriage, or in the marriage itself.” Quite an easy dismissal. As porn is extremely accessible, it strictly involves a decision made by the watcher himself.

   Reply to Arc Garrett

9. Speaking from experience seldom does it stop with porn often soon they are wanting the real thing.

   Reply to Karen

   1. That is baloney. I am 69 years old. I watch porn 1-2 times a week. My wife and I have been married 20 years. Never has the porn I watch ever influenced me to seek extramarital sex. Porn is a fill in for when my wife is not in the mood. I love physical intimacy with my wife. However my desire/drive is stronger than hers. As I said, porn is merely CC a fill in.
      For you to blame porn for men straying, is denial of the actual reason they stray. Look a little deeper . Don’t blame self love

      Reply to PJM

      1. I understand what you were saying there, but I also understand where Karen is coming from. I don’t think all Men/women who watch porn will be unfaithful, but if the porn watcher has “issues” or if the relationship does then i believe being unfaithful becomes easier for them. Allowing oneself to fantasize about someone other than your partner can make it easier for them to disconnect when they find themselves in a precarious situation. I know at least 3 people this has been true with.

10. I ended a relationship because I caught my significant other watching porn, I was so upset because I wasn’t refusing to add a little excitement to our sex life. So why did he find it necessary to watch porn? Was it because I didn’t look like the women in the porn. After that I felt embarrassed and hated how I looked. Every time he said there was nothing wrong with the way I looked it made me even more upset because if that were the case then why watch porn.

    Reply to Jacqueline

    1. It’s understandable that you feel self-conscious about your body – I think many women struggle with the changes of the aging body. However, I think that is an issue for you to work on … building self confidence and accepting yourself. People watch pornography for different reasons so perhaps you could have that discussion with your partner rather than assuming you know the answer. Trust in what your partner is saying …. that’s also an important part of a healthy sexual relationship.

       Reply to Linda Plenert

11. It’s often overlooked the shame associated with watching porn. After the release men actually feel worse many times.

    The insidious nature is the porn never says no and everything is always perfect in porn, unlike real life.

    If it’s your go to escape it’s often going to be a problem. It also can cause challenges in obtaining and getting an erection if you’re always specifically masturbating to a certain visual.
    More importantly are you still connecting with your partner? Still dating?

    Reply to Dennis Collins

    1. I think you raise some valid points and good questions. Pornography is a complex issue and, in some cases, does become a problem for people. We just can’t assume that’s going to be the case for everyone.

       Reply to Linda Plenert

    2. It has completely impacted my partner’s ability to perform regularly. It’s alway been a problem in our relationship but I didn’t know the cause of it was porn viewing constantly. Like every day many times a day. It’s been a real hurdle. I don’t have a problem with porn but I have asked him to stop watching it and overcome his addiction and retrain his brain and body to be stimulated differently. I’m in my sexual peak and it’s become frustrating. I have a hard no for now and I love him but this

       Reply to LuLu bee

12. I don’t think the female viewpoint is well understood nor represented by this article – both men and women have been taught so many negative things about sex – the difference is that women suffer that fate daily, while men are able to “indulge” and ignore the larger damage to society – it is demeaning – not because it’s porn.. but, because we live in such a hyper-masculine society that doesn’t value the innate wisdom, beauty and intelligence of women – if we did, maybe porn would reflect that

    Reply to Jaime Campbell

    1. Worse than that, porn seems to be encouraging more and more extreme acts. More women are posting on message boards that they are being choked during sex — because it’s becoming a big thing in porn.

       Reply to Virge

       1. So very true.

       2. As a retired sexuality educator, I can confirm that most people our age got very little, if any, useful sexuality education. Porn has been the only source of sex ed for many men. Porn that depicts ‘extreme’ activities is changing people’s expectations of what sex should look like. Remember porn is actors being paid to make it look like what they’re doing is pleasurable (maybe yes, maybe no). CONSENT is a critical part of a sexual relationship. Again, something most of us didn’t learn.

    2. Amen!

       Reply to Karen

13. People need to have some private fantasies! That includes porn. I’m a woman of 53 and I don’t expect to know my husband’s fantasies or he mine. I think we’d probably all be embarrassed if others knew or fantasies. We jokingly call them our “mammary banks”. We’re very open about masturbating and it’s not a problem.

    Reply to Juliet Michna Beavis

    1. thanks for sharing your thoughts. I totally agree with that.

       Reply to Inside-Man

    2. I agree with you. Communication is the key. My last partner and I were very open about everything involving sex. He listened to what I liked and I he. We sometimes watched porn together and talked about it. We were honest about what we desired sexually and watching porn was just a part of the conversation. By the way I am 66 years old and a little porn every now and then is okay with me.

       Reply to LM Banks

14. To paraphrase Joan Price’s answer above: “Men have been socialized to equate our desirability with sexual potency. At our age, men are self-conscious about our bodies and sexual abilities. We may feel insecure about our sexual “performance” compared to other men. We may find it shameful/upsetting that a woman we love and trust criticizes a habit [watching porn] that reassures and stimulates us.”

    Reply to Shamus MacDuff